Keep special marriage spaces clean and clear of the EX.

One of my favorite teachers, the famous poet, Maja Angelou told her son that regarding friendship, “you need to say no when it’s no.” She continues, “You have to have a place where you say, “Stop it. Back up….” Because that place has to remain clean and clear.”

Likewise in our marriages, we need to keep special marriage spaces clean and clear of a high conflict ex-spouse’s influence.

In the beginning of my marriage, I struggled with blocking the ex-spouse out of my head and out of our sacred spaces. Anger at her choices and actions would bubble up like a dark poison and then I’d spew out my ugly feelings to my husband. We spent numerous hours going over and over her actions/emails and what we could and couldn’t do.

Rumination over the actions and abuses of an ex-spouse can poison precious couple time.   Make a deliberate choice to stop ex-spousal actions from oozing under your bedroom door or into your bed as you lay down at night. Do not discuss ex-spouse issues at bedtime. Keep that time sacred by reaffirming your love for your spouse.

Same goes for reuniting with your spouse after work and over dinner. Keep those spaces clean and clear of the ex-spouse so that you can reconnect as a couple.

Goeff and I finally decided to set aside a certain time, place, and amount of time to discuss difficult ex-spouse issues. We’d set a timer, hash out what we could regarding hard situations and then we had to learn to give the rest to God. Going over and over something you have no power over will get you nowhere. Do what you can and give the rest to God. Once again – give the rest to God. It’s so hard when you know your children are hurting and you have no power to change the situation. But when you’ve done all you can, it’s time to turn your attention back to the new life you’ve created together.