3 Key Principles for Keeping Your Marriage Strong in a Stepfamily During Times of Challenge.

I was meeting with my therapist to find further healing after my oldest stepson’s suicide and other traumatic experiences that had struck our family. Her kind brown eyes stared intently at me and then her face broke into a broad smile.

She said, “My husband and I were married for less than ten years and had nothing like the challenges you and Geoff have weathered in a blended family. What made the difference? How are you still together?”

I broke into a smile.  God and loyalty to each other I answered.

In my book, “A Practical Guide for Latter-day Saint Stepfamilies,’ I address an entire chapter to key principles of keeping a marriage happy and strong.  Here I would like to touch on the three most important.

1. GOD. We weren’t perfect, but we always turned our hearts to the Lord for direction, healing and strength.  There was one awful summer when I sincerely didn’t know if our marriage would survive the fire swirling around us. I will spare you the drama of recounting all that hit that summer. But what I will share is that when I fell to my knees and petitioned the Lord for strength, he sustained me. My husband did the same.  God blessed us with power to overcome our differences, offer support to our children and walk through the consequences of the absolute chaos happening in the co-parents home. ‘Trust in the Lord with all thy heart and lean not to thy own understanding’ took on greater meaning. I KNOW that if husband and wife will both turn their hearts to God’s will, he will help you build on a foundation that will never fall. He will quicken your mind and bring peace to your home.
2. TURNING TOWARDS EACH OTHER.  During whirlwinds Geoff and I were able to turn to each other for solace and direction. Our friendship’s roots sunk deeper in these times of struggle and as we communicated our needs, fears, and hopes our love deepened as we withstood hardship. Forgiveness, putting ourselves in the other’s shoes, and finding comedy in dire straits also kept us going. We kept reaching for each other’s hand in these times of trial. I also discovered the fourth chakra – love.  A yoga master advises pressing your hand flat over the heart of your spouse to help recenter your coupled energy. Sometimes, Geoff and I stand with outstretched hand pressing in the middle of each other’s chest.  In these moments I feel my stress levels relax and warmth and positive energy flow between us. Turn towards your spouse!
3. ENJOY EACH OTHER.  The scriptures teach, “Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice in the wife of your youth, a lovely deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; be intoxicated always in her love.” (Proverbs 5:18-19) In other words, enjoy each other!  Find pleasure together. Make time to rejoice together. Fill your couple cup with the activities that bring you closer. Even simple moments such as sitting on the porch enjoying a sunset with a popsicle in one hand and the other hand resting on your beloved’s hand will safeguard your marriage.  You and your spouse can brainstorm ways to enjoy each other. Be intentional in making time for couple joy.