Loyalty Bind Talk

I recently listened to a valuable module by one of my favorite stepfamily experts, Patricia Papernow. She talked about the importance of ‘Loyalty Bind Talks’. She explained that a loyalty bind is a child feeling that “If I care for my Stepmom, I feel disloyal to my Mom.” If I like my stepdad, I feel disloyal to my dad.”  Even in amicable divorces or friendly co-parenting relationships these feelings are likely to arise.  In situations where the co-parent is angry, badmouthing, or shows bitterness towards the other co-parent and stepparent, a child’s loyalty bind most likely runs deeper. Children in these situations will need more time to acclimate and bond with a stepparent. They will also need more one on one time with their biological parent. 

A ‘Loyalty Bind Talk’ is when a parent or stepparent reinforces the permanence of the love a child as for their biological parent.

Patricia Papernow:

For example:

“A Dad could say something like:

Having a Mom and Stepmom can be kind of confusing. I want you to know that your mom will always have a permanent place in your heart. Like the sun, like the mountain. Permanent. Always there. In time you might come to care for Sally your stepmom. I hope you do. But even then, Sally’s place in your heart will be in a totally different place in your heart.”

Papernow went on to talk about how Teens don’t always appreciate being told how things are, so a great way to approach a ‘Loyalty Bind Talk’ is to start the conversation by saying something like, “You probably already know this…Great tip!

These types of talks often need repeating at different developmental stages. They also help when there is a major transition such as marriage or the first few vacations of a new stepfamily, moving away from a parent, etc.

Source:

Helping Children in Stepfamilies to Thrive: Tip #8