Fancy Red Pomegranate Jello
March 29, 2024
Loyalty Bind Talk
March 29, 2024
When I became a stepmom at age 23, I wish I’d had this table! I would have better recognized the needs of my children. Understanding each child’s needs developmentally will empower you as a parent in a stepfamily. Read the following age considerations and think of how you interact with each child. If you are the biological parent, what can you do to developmentally support your children? If you are the stepparent, should you slow down, spend more time in play or act in more of a support role with your stepchildren?
Stage of Development Age Considerations Biological Parent Stepparent
| Infanthood: Birth to Age 2 | Form secure attachment to both biological parents. Infants need routines & warm caregiving. Labor intensive stage | Need to share information with co-parent often (Day to day, during transitions). Work with co-parent to provide consistent, loving care where both biological parents can bond with the child. | Understand that biological parents of an infant will have contact often. Honor and support spouse in their responsibilities and needs with an infant. Recognize that infanthood hood is labor intensive. Parenting responsibilities come first for the bio parent. Offer more of a support role in the beginning (restock diaper bag, help clean up while parent readies child for bedtime.) |
| Preschool: Ages 2-5 | Regulate emotions & broaden relationships. Love to play make believe & imitate grown ups through dress up and made up games. May not remember previous family structure which may simplify a transition into a stepfamily. May blame themselves for a parent leaving or living somewhere else. Likely to welcome a stepparent who is kind and plays with them. If they want attention, they may resort to difficult behaviors or meltdowns. | Watch behavior & listen to understand their emotions. Offer reassurance and verbal affirmations. Tell them that it’s okay to love everyone in the family. Continue nurturing relationship through normal routine, play, and nighttime rituals. Make sure their basic needs for bonding time, love, and physical needs are met. | Respond warmly and gently. If a child invites you into their pretend world (tea party, dress up, make believe worlds), have fun! Play is a great way to bond because it shows a child they are important to you! Go at their pace. |
| Early School Age: 6-8 | Increased independence, friends, fairness & rules are more important than before. May feel guilt over the divorce. May have mixed up feelings over building relationships with a new stepparent and stebsiblings. | Stay aware of changes in behavior (mood, grades, appetite, sleep). Help child develop a sense of responsibility. Do fun things as a family. Support and verbal praise. Giving choices may help kids feel more empowered. Keep lines of communication open through one on one time. | This age is usually welcoming and kind to those that are welcoming and kind to them! Go at the child’s pace. Show genuine interest. |
*Be aware that research shows that the addition of a stepparent becomes more difficult for children over the age of 9
| Middle Childhood Ages 9-10 | Kids this age have a great need feel capable and accepted at home, at school and with their friends. They also want their life to appear normal. Friend and family can offer extra support during stressful times. May worry about how a stepparent’s attendance at a recital, game, etc. may make the co-parent feel. | Find ways to stay connected through one on one time. Still want engagement from you. Do fun things as a family. Support and verbal praise. Giving choices may help in adjustment to a new family. Keep lines of communication open. | One way to bond may be teaching a child something they want to learn (cooking a delicious dessert, piecing a quilt, dribbling & passing a soccer ball). Intentionally make time for kids to spend with their biological parent. Honor and receive with gratitude what the child is ready and able to give to the relationship with you. Don’t push for more than they can give. They set the pace. |
| Preteens & Early Teens Ages 11-14 | Preteens seek greater independence and own identity. This age group is already working through many physical, emotional, mental, and social changes – adding new people to the mix when there is already so much happening inside may be extra challenging! Highest possibility for conflict / difficulties with remarriage Girls especially may have a difficult time with transitioning into a stepfamily. Loyalty bonds may magnify especially if a child feels a co-parent is vulnerable. | One on one time to re-enforce continuity and stability. Listen to understand. Give choices in applicable areas. Praise, lift, support. With their own sexuality budding, it may be wise to keep public displays of affection to a minimum. Do not pressure kids to accept the new stepparent. They will resist force. | Stepparent may prove a target for difficult feelings because the teen is less likely to fear their rejection. They also do not share a common history, unconditional acceptance or love. Don’t take it personal. Remember this age is hormonally driven, has an underdeveloped brain and a body that is dramatically changing. They need grace and time. Choose to listen without lecturing, judging, or dominating a conversation. Find ways to connect. One on one time shooting hoops, making something, etc. Patience in allowing the biological parent to parent. Express concerns in a humble, no pressure manner. |
| Middle Teens: Ages 15-17 | If there is high conflict with the co-parent, middle teens have a higher chance of getting emotionally involved. They may offer extra emotional support to a parent who hasn’t moved on from the divorce. This type of loyalty bind may make it very difficult to bond with a new stepparent. This age group has so much going on with friends, classes, extra-curricular events, etc., that they are not always as involved with the step-family. This may lead to a more distant relationship with the stepparent. They may miss the status they had with a single parent (more time, a confidant, decision maker). | Re-enforce love and acceptance by carving out one on one time and continuing every-day rituals (shooting hoops after dinner, Saturday morning walk just the two of you). Listen to understand. With their own sexuality budding, it may be wise to keep public displays of affection to a minimum. Do not pressure kids to accept the new stepparent. Allow them to move at their own pace. If you don’t, they will most likely push back in negative ways. Do not force kids to share family time. Talk with them about what time they can give, even if it’s less than you would have hoped for. | Tread softly! Step aside for the biological parent to take charge in matters of discipline. Curtail your tongue. Listen, offer support and warmth. Refrain from criticism or any other negative behavior. Show interest in their ideas & passions. Ask questions. Listen! |
| Young Adults & Adults 18 and over | Even though kids may be all grown up, moved out, in college or with families of their own, remarriage may still affect them deeply. Feelings of identity, continuity & security are still rooted in the family of origin. This age group may experience similar emotions and responses to remarriage as other age groups. | One on one time to nurture relationships is still valuable Grown up children still value familiar rituals, holiday traditions and recognizable events. This may mean that you attend these events alone or that your spouse makes other plans during these family gatherings– especially in the beginning of the marriage. | Remember that adult children have a very long intimate history with their biological parent. Cherished patterns of living, holiday traditions and other things the hold close to their heart. Honor the family by moving slowly, fading into the background and giving space as needed. Moving to quickly may forge wedges and walls between you and the kids. |
*This table is based on research and findings by Amy Bellows, Karen S. Bonnell, Patricia L. Papernow
